This story was written seven years ago upon the birth of my Grandson, Sam.
Sam. Sam is on my mind. Sam is my new Grandbaby and he is the absolute sweetest, most pure piece of God that I have ever seen.
I always doubted myself as a mother…wondering what, if anything, I was doing right and exactly how many things was I doing wrong? (the list continues) But, now that I’m a Grandmother, I want the list to stop.
This is my opportunity to just “love”. I don’t want to keep score, or make second guesses or lay awake at night in fear of doing “it” wrong. I want this opportunity to let my daughter be herself and be the mother she was meant to be. I want this chance to just love them…as they are, without criticisms, doubts or worry. I only want acceptance, delight, gratitude, hugs, cookies and sweet dreams.
Do I know that life is always unpredictable? Yes. Should I be prepared for ups and downs and times that are so hard, that you think your heart will break? Absolutely. But, now I have Sam. I know him. I have smelled his sweet baby smell and breathed it in like a life-preserver. I already love him and I look forward to our journey together. Nannie and Sam.
Happy Birthday dear Sam! The time passes too quickly…
Written by: Nancy Malcolm
Recently, I had the privilege of driving with two of my grandsons in the car. I was instantly reminded of days gone by when my daughters were younger and I would be taking one of them and a friend somewhere. Oh, the conversations they would have!
But, as life has unfolded, we are a true blended family now, my husband and I. We each maintain good relationships with our ex-spouses and often, we are all together at family events because of our children.
On this particular drive, one of the boys asked me, “Did you know PaPa used to be married to Nana?” The other one, in shock said, “They did not….did they?” I said that yes, I knew that and before I could go any further, they were into a discussion about life, divorce and marriage. I proceeded to explain the situation in simple terms, but as we all know, it’s not a simple matter. Still, as we drove, I was glad they felt comfortable enough to ask me questions and to share their thoughts.
A big part of me is gut wrenchingly sad that these two precious boys even know about divorce, but life rarely fits into a cookie cutter mold of perfection. I wish I could make their little lives smooth, peaceful and worry-free forever. I know I cannot control other people’s behavior or tell them how to live their lives; however, I can trust in a power greater than myself to take care of these boys and send blessings their way. I can be a loving Nannie and be the best grandparent I can be. I can provide a safe and accepting home for visits and car ride discussions.
And as is the case with little boys, as suddenly as that conversation started, it ended and their latest Lego purchase took center stage. Just for today, I can let go of worry and enjoy the ride.
Space. Somewhere between right and wrong. Somewhere between what you thought you knew and the truth. There always seems to be space, or a breath, a whisper, a blink. There is always this place where life really lives.
There’s space between words..”I love you.” “I love you too.” Or space between “How are you?” and “fine.” Sometimes there are so many words within that space just begging to come out, but not knowing how.
When my grandson was born I noticed a new space. The space between his nose and lips… that tender dip and the space on the back of his neck where the sweet spot is. That miracle of life space, that we all start out with, but sometimes forget we have.
I love the space my husband and I share when one of our girls is telling a story and we glance across the room at each other and smile or laugh. That space within the glance that says, ‘I’m happy’ or ‘We are so blessed’. I can also dread space. The space between life and death…the minutes or days of slowing breath and closed eyes. The space between a relationship ending or beginning.
The space between love and hate; happiness and despair…it’s such a fine line, a space of time. A thought or prayer or beat of your heart. There’s space between being…space between lovers who are breathing the same breath. Or the lonely space when love has gone away.
Ever hear that phrase, “I need my space?” I believe we all do…we need our space. Space brings us near…it pushes us away…it is the creator of life full circle. It is a good thing, this space thing.